The Break-Up Diet

How to Get Your Ex Back After He Dumps You

all-tied-up The fact is—a relationship break-up is an ugly thing. No girl likes losing a guy she loves so deeply, cares for so profoundly, and obsesses about so frequently. Frankly, it sucks. But now, there is something you can do to get your ex back.

You’ll need a few handy items you may or may not have around the house: a roll of duct tape, 20 ft. of sturdy rope, a Polaroid camera, and a busty, under-age decoy for bait and then for blackmail purposes.

Oh, wait… Sorry. Wrong plan. That’s how to get a raise from your boss.

You wanted to know how to get your ex back… Well, there are a ton of websites on the internet that all claim to have tried-and-true tips guaranteed to get him back. My research has uncovered The Top 5:

1. Give him space to work out his feelings. He may not be completely ready to make a long-term commitment to you.
2. Be positive and cool about the break up. Tell him you understand and respect his decision.
3. Give him emotional support by letting him know you love him, think of him often, and will be there for him.
4. If you still live together, do nice things for him: clean the house, wash a load of his laundry, make him a sandwich.
5. Never try to make him jealous. He needs to know he’s the only one for you.

Ok, I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth. How much you wanna bet a guy wrote those sage bits of advice? Well, I have a better Top 5 List:

1. The Break-Up Diet has already made you skinny, now get into amazing shape—work out for your health and the endorphins, so you feel good. For YOU.
2. Feel however you want to feel and act accordingly. Kick up your feet and relax on the couch in your pjs, or go out with your friends and dance like everyone is watching you enjoy your freedom.
3. Flip your DGAF switch. You no longer have to deal with the expectations of a self-absorbed man-child.
4. If you still live together, his domestic needs are his to handle. You don’t owe him shit.
5. Start dating a smarter/kinder/richer/more muscular/more attractive guy. You deserve to find someone better for you than he was.

Live well. Laugh often. Dance with abandon. Embrace change. Welcome the future. Value yourself. Pursue your dreams. Love your life.

THAT is how you GET BACK AT your ex after he dumps you. Be the woman who is too good for him.

In Time, The Memories Will Fade

One of the most difficult things about surviving a relationship break-up is dealing with the lingering memories. When you’ve given so much of your heart and soul in a relationship and it ends, getting over it isn’t easy.

It’s going to take time to rebuild your life and picture your future without the man you thought you’d share it with. At least that’s what I keep reminding myself.

Moving on would be so much easier if there were a way to forget everything: the look in his eyes when watched me from across the room, the sound of his voice when he said my name, the feel of his heartbeat against my cheek, the taste of his lips, and every moment we spent together in a world where no one else existed.

There was a movie I saw once, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where the couple chose to do exactly that: forget. They decided to erase the memories of each other. It’s really a brilliant concept. Too bad there isn’t a real-life option to do it. I’d sign on the dotted line in a heartbeat. Yes, the procedure would completely wipe out all of the good memories, erasing 10 years of life and love, but if the memories were gone, the crippling pain of a broken heart would be gone too.

It brings up the question: Is it better to have loved and lost? Or never to have loved at all?

What would you choose?

Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands

After a relationship break-up, you lose a lot of wonderful benefits: someone to squish spiders, open tight jar lids, reach things off the top shelf, and most importantly—inspire you to sing gospel Oh-Oh-Oh-God! songs that bring an ah-ah-awesome smile to your face.

There is only so long a girl can go before she decides to take matters into her own hands.

Years ago, a coworker and I went on a single-girl field trip to a huge sex toy shop in Los Angeles. It was like one big Walmart, but with dildos, blow-up sheep, and ball gags. They actually had shopping baskets people pushed through the aisles, loading up their carts like they were buying BBQ supplies for a party.

We giggled like schoolgirls and hid behind our sunglasses, standing in front of a wall of vibrators—something neither of us had ever used, knew nothing about, and weren’t even sure they would “work” for us (separately, not a girl-girl thing together). So, being young, financially-challenged, and skeptical, we chose two of the $3, hard-plastic, Ford Pinto of vibrators—the same kind you find in those random-junk white trash catalogues with the ad model using it on her neck. Well…let’s just say, it worked for me. Brrrrrrr. Woo-hoo! Nap. Brrrrrr. Woo-hoo! Nap. Brrrrrr. Woo-hoo! Nap. I didn’t get out of bed for 24 hours.

Flash forward many years…

I still have a blush-faced, hide-behind-my-sunglasses feeling about buying sex toys in public. I know, I’m kinda 1950s like that. So I can’t tell you how much I love the internet. I can giggle and shop from home at sites like Adam & Eve that have everything you can imagine and things I couldn’t imagine. The new technology in sex toys is amazing. And who doesn’t enjoy browsing the porn movie section just to read the titles? I shot cranberry juice through my nose when I saw “Strap-On: A Love Story.” Yes, I’m still sophomoric enough to find things like that funny.

If you’ve read my book, The Break-Up Diet: A Memoir, you’ll remember my friend, Tawny, in the chapter titled Sex Toys R Us where I told the story of her “Lingerie Party” (translation: Wacky Dildo Party)—well, Tawny’s been a horizontal wild woman for years. And since I’m certainly no sex-toy expert, I asked her for some recommendations for my dear readers. Because I’m all about bringing you quality entertainment, and ok, I admit, because I wanted to know too.

Here are Tawny’s Top Toys:

The Jenna Jameson Ultimate Stroker
“Unfortunately, no man can compare. It does everything. It’s crazy good.” — Tawny

WeVibe3
“Fucking amazing. Worth every cent.” — Tawny

Now you can’t say I’ve never given you good advice. Go shopping. And then use the toys to make yourself happy. You don’t need a guy for that.

After the Break-Up: What Do You Do with The Stuff?

Whether you were in the relationship for 10 years or 10 days, you still must decide what to do with the gifts and mementos from your time together. By removing relationship mementos from your living space and places where you see them daily, it will allow you to get over the break-up sooner and move on with your life.

Gather It
Grab a box and start your sweep. Go from room to room. Collect pictures, jewelry, clothing, and souvenirs from trips—anything that reminds you of your ex. Don’t forget to gather items you may have at work, and in your car or garage.

Sort It
Divide the practical from the sentimental items. A practical item, like a happy anniversary toaster, is still useful. Decide if it’s something you can have around and use for what it is and not have it trigger an emotional response. If you have strong emotional feelings about an object, you’re better off getting rid of it.

You have several options to consider:

Store It
If you’re the kind of person who has a memory box of items from high school, you may want to box up the special objects from your relationship and store them for a time when you can take a trip down memory lane and not burst into tears or fits of rage.

Donate It
If you can’t stand the thought of having anything around that reminds you of your past relationship, consider donating items to a shelter, service organization, or church. Someone else will be happy to have them.

Sell It
Have a yard sale. Take it to a pawn shop. Offer it on Ebay or Craigslist. Take it to a consignment store. With the money you make from selling your old relationship mementos, go somewhere or buy something that makes you happy.

Trash It
You may have the overwhelming urge to smash, burn, shred, or break every object that reminds you of your ex. And that’s ok. If you think taking the path of total destruction will make you feel better. Do it.

No matter which option you choose, getting rid of your past relationship mementos will bring you one step closer to starting your new life.

Stop Reading Harlequin Romances…They Melt Your Brain

cute neighbor stops by

Like many women, I admit, I’ve read my share (and then some) of the bodice-ripper books with titles like The Windswept Stranger. And I’ve decided that a good portion of my brain has melted because of it.

I’m not the only one who believes this. Nine out of 10 cowboy/neurologists say the area of the brain most affected by reading romance books is the REALITY lobe. It just doesn’t happen in real life like it happens in those stories.

Case in point: Today, I could’ve lived one of those cheesy fantasies, but reality intruded on what could’ve been an otherwise Days of Our Lives-ish romantic incident—or at least something that would’ve made a good Penthouse Forum story.

However, I’ve considered penning it as a horror short story. The encounter went something like this… A tall, dark, and handsome guy A f*cking waaaay hot new neighbor stopped by with a petition to allow jackhammering of his patio slab. He knocked. The door opened to reveal… Me, a smokingly beautiful, lingerie-clad vixen with flowing hair scented like erotic musk a chubby, make-up-less writer, hair in a sloppy bun, wearing a too-short ratty nightgown and Ugg boots.

The romantic part of the horror story never quite took off because the writer used the door as a shield to hide her aching loins and tell-tale signs of arousal translucent legs, granny panties, and perpetually diamond-tipped braless nipples. However, she was completely unable to figure out a way to drape her hand over her face to hide the volcanic zit on the bridge of her nose while still maintaining an engaging conversation that belied the mental images she conjured of wildly riding him like a Kentucky Derby winner while he lay stunned and mortified supine and smiling on her dining room table, tightly gripping her dimpled heart-shaped ass and calling out to the neighborhood in a throbbing release of utter adoration, “Oh YES! You are a Goddess!”

In reality, she snatched the pen, scribbled her signature on the clipboard, and bade him good luck with the petition because the surrounding neighbors are assholes that she wishes would die fiery and painful deaths in the pits of Hell. Then she closed the door.

The End.

Relationship Material: A Guy and His Dog

A Guy and His Dogs I have a theory. A woman who wants a relationship with a great guy who is generous, attentive, and affectionate should date a guy who owns a dog (or two).

You can tell a lot about a guy by how he interacts with dogs and how he cares for his own. Cats don’t count. With a cat, you can set out bowls of food and water and leave it unattended and virtually ignored for days at a time and the cat is totally fine with that. You can’t do that with a dog. Dogs are like high-maintenance girlfriends. We need attention—and good food. We like to go for long walks on the beach, roll around on the grass getting and giving kisses. We like a nice meaty boner, and of course, we’ll never turn down a gift of a shiny silver necklace.

But, all material and physical benefits aside, there are intangibles that outweigh the obvious. The #1 reason to date a Dog Guy? Guys who own dogs already know how to care about someone other than themselves. Before they can run off to party with their friends, they have to make sure their pooch is cared for. Instead of indulging in a Budweiser bender and sleeping off the hangover, they’re up early to run with the dog. When guys come home after being gone, they look forward to receiving and giving unconditional love. It’s not rocket science to figure out. The responsibilities and joy of dog ownership prep a guy to care for a wife and kids.

I put my theory to the test when I began dating after The Break-Up. (Yes, it was a major enough experience to require capital letters and even inspire a book about it.) The first guy I finally agreed to go out with was intelligent, funny, and persistent (probably a trait he learned from his Australian Shepherd, Max). For a casual first date, he convinced me to go to a soccer field so our dogs could run and play together while we reclined on a blanket in the grass. It was very Wrigley’s-Spearmint-Gum-Kiss-A-Little-Longer commercial-ish. Outdoorsy fun. Down-to-earth vibe. Sorta romantic. He was the kind of guy who would offer a handful of freshly-picked daisies before he tried to put his hand down your pants. So that was all good.

But I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention there can be a minor drawback to the whole dog thing too. On our way out to dinner one night, I climbed into the front seat of Dog Guy’s Durango. I was rocking the cute LBD and lookin’ like a million hot skinny bucks (thanks to the break-up diet). We arrived at my favorite sushi restaurant and I got out of the car. That’s when the static in the air stood every hair on end. Not my hair. The 300 lbs. of dog hair covering every inch of my little black dress. And there were hundreds of strands of dog hair stuck to my lightly-oiled bare legs. I looked like I washed my Sasquatch pajamas without a dryer sheet.

Guy and His Dog But ya just gotta say, “Whatever. Hair happens.” That’s what tape rollers are for.

When it comes down to it, nothing in the world is as sexy and endearing as watching a guy with his dog. The joy in his smile. The warmth in his voice. The gentleness of his touch. The love in his eyes. All that can be yours when you’re in a relationship with a Dog Guy. I know this to be true because I’m married to one.

Guys: How NOT to Get a Date / Ladies: How To Avoid the Freaks

bad-date Guys, I just have to tell you, the fastest way to shoot down your chances of getting a date is to leave a socially retarded voicemail message on a woman’s answering machine. You may think getting the phone number means you’ve scored the date. But not so fast. Believe it or not, that first phone call is crucial. It’s the single step that separates you from a face-to-face encounter. So, whether we answer the phone or you get the machine, just know, we will evaluate absolutely EVERYTHING you say to find hidden clues that reveal the basics about you. Like… Is he confident? Does he have realistic expectations? Is he in touch with who he is and what he has to offer? Is he persistent? Does he speak and behave thoughtfully? And um…I dunno…is he mentally stable?

Ladies, if you haven’t figured it out yet, let me enlighten you. All you really need to have to get any man is a pulse and moderate personal hygiene habits. So, it stands to reason, that YOU are the one with the decision-making power. YOU decide if Mr. Pointy Pants will have the opportunity to continue his pursuit of you.

The Process of Natural Selection has been around since mammals began walking the Earth—before most nightclub hounds were bipedal. As women, it is our job to keep the substandard specimens out of the gene pool. Guys, that means your little swimmers could potentially die lonely deaths in a tube sock if you don’t evolve into someone worth dating.

I believe in learning and teaching by example, so I’ve included an audio clip to serve as a tutorial for both the guys and the ladies. Guys, take notes, this is a classic example of how NOT to get a date. Ladies, listen to it closely and if you ever hear a guy say anything like what you are about to hear, DO NOT go out with him! But, feel free to laugh at him and share the message on the internet so everyone else can laugh too.

(Turn up the sound on your computer and click on the tab below to listen.)

Vodpod videos no longer available.

posted with vodpod

The Break-Up Made Him Do It

I’ve decided I need to create a blog post series about stupid things people do and then blame on a relationship break-up. I thought the shoplifting story was bad enough, but we now have to add arson to the mix.

So, here’s the most recent recipe for break-up stupidity:

Take one 36 year-old Scottish guy, break his heart, saturate his brain in alcohol, and watch him set his seventh-floor apartment on fire while leaving his kitten inside wrapped in a damp towel and stuffed under the couch.

Kittycide is deplorable and it certainly didn’t help this guy’s case that there were 160 other apartment residents he put in danger by setting the blaze. When he returned home, he lied to the cops, saying he was away camping. Of course, witnesses watching him walk out of the burning building with a backpack killed his alibi.

Thankfully, the firemen saved the kitten. No one else was harmed by the fire. And Mr. Unhappy Camper is going to jail for 20 months.

He wins the official Break-Up Diet WTF Were You Thinking award. Wouldn’t it have been a lot less trouble to burn a few old pictures and letters in the fireplace?

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Mr. Nice Guy vs. The Bad Boy

Have you ever met a guy who seemed “too nice”? You know how they are—they open doors, buy thoughtful gifts, call to say they were thinking about you…

I met a lot of nice guys at various times in my life. And as soon as I discovered how nice they were, it was the kiss of death. There was just no way I could respect a guy unless he backhanded me in front of his friends and said I was nothing but a dope man’s bitch. (What is it about the bad boys that makes a girl fall over with her heels behind her head?)

I think I’ve figured it out.

As a little girl, I watched all the Disney movies. I wanted to believe in princes, but I don’t think I was convinced they really existed. So, of course, when I actually found one that wasn’t animated and wearing blue tights, I was naturally suspicious.

Why is it so hard to believe that nice guys exist? And why is it even harder to accept it, appreciate it, and enjoy it?

For me, when a guy was nice, I felt it translated to “weak.” I called those guys Herberts. A Herbert is a guy who would say, “Yes, dear. No, dear. Whatever you want, dear.” and basically bend to my sizable will. I had have a strong personality, so I always felt I needed a guy who was equally as strong or stronger. If we were about to get mugged, I wanted to be with a guy who wouldn’t need me to jump in front of him and club the robber over the head with my shoe.

When I moved to Orange County, I dated a nice guy—for about a week. The deal breaker was when, in passing, I mentioned to him in a phone conversation that I was tired and still had grocery shopping to do after I got home from work. At the end of my work day, I went home and found more than $100 worth of groceries on my doorstep. All the bags held thoughtful purchases, a mix of staples and a variety of other items, fresh produce, etc. That was just weird. Like discovering someone in your apartment laundry room emptied the dryer and folded your panties. It felt a little stalker-ish.

Now that my sensibilities have evolved, I’ve realized that was probably one of the sweetest things a guy I was dating had ever done for me. But I was too stupid to realize it at the time. Luckily for me, my fairy godmother gave me another chance. She dropped a potential husband/prince into my lapdance, and on our third date, he appeared on my doorstep with a truckload of sod, two palm trees, and an avocado tree. That was the thoughtful result of me mentioning, in passing, that I loved avocados, the city had cut down my tree, and the dogs tracked in mud because there wasn’t enough grass in my backyard. He spent our date planting, watering, and slaying dermapterans. Hurray for landscaping and other acts of foreplay! I fell head over heels for Mr. Nice Guy, my modern Prince Charming.

I had a friend once who witnessed another thoughtful gesture from that same potential husband and she said: “He’s just not normal. He’s too nice. He’s the type of guy that the neighbors say to the reporters, ‘He seemed so nice, I never would have expected he had 43 dismembered bodies buried under his house.’ I’m a realist. I’m just saying that there is probably something major about him that you don’t know. For all you know, he could be a Danish spy.”

I’m happy to say: he’s not a spy, he still does thoughtful things for me every day, we’re galloping toward happily-ever-after, and that skeptical friend found her own prince. They really do exist. And there is no such thing as “too nice.”

The Break-Up Made Me Do It

Now, I’ll be the first one to admit that a relationship break-up can make you do crazy things. Like…considering renting a house down the street from where your ex works so you can coincidentally run into him at a stoplight or happen to jog by his new apartment (even though you’ve never jogged a day in your life). Like…sitting up at 3 a.m. Googling him to find where he moved next. (Smart move. I can’t jog all the way to South Carolina from Cali.) And then there’s…um…I dunno, maybe writing a book about your break-up.

There are many levels of break-up crazy. But I must say, I have to give gold star props for the most random act of break-up madness to the woman who shoplifted and blamed it on her relationship break-up. Of course, the irony that her name is also Annette did not escape me.

I get that the end of a relationship can cause financial trouble for some women. Hard economic times. Wall Street crash and burn. Blah blah blah. Maybe she’s hungry and can’t afford to restock her Pop-Tarts and Hot Pockets without using the five-finger discount. But seriously, who steals flip flops and blames it on a relationship break-up? I can just see her standing in front of the judge: “I’m sorry, your honor, I’m so heartbroken that I thought stealing some cute summer sandals would make me feel better.”

Ya know, she may be on to something… I saw a cute bag, necklace, and bracelet at Brighton that really need to come home with me. So, if the excuse that “the break-up made me do it” doesn’t work for me, I guess I could say I ate too many Twinkies…

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Is Sex Leaving the City?

This is one celebrity relationship that I thought would last. Sarah Jessica (Square Pegs) Parker and Matthew (Bueller?) Broderick.

I know they’ve moved beyond those roles, but I do love overdosing on the nostalgia of the early days.

Ok, so beyond the fact that I’ve been told several times that I look like SJP. (Makes me curious as to where I’d fall on the continuum of that Maxim Bag-Your-Face List…)

But, since I’m not famous enough yet to know, it also makes me wonder if it’s difficult to balance the public perception of who you are with your true self. And how does that affect your spouse?

What is it really like in the Parker/Broderick household? Is she witty, neurotic, and decked in quirky designer outfits? Or behind the scenes, is SJP like me: all ponytail, flannel pjs, barefoot, and boring?

I think when my hubby first saw me—in a thong, 8-inch platform stilettos, and shaking my ass to “Perfect Gentleman” by Wyclef Jean—he might have thought he was getting a perpetual stripper as a wife. Um… Surprise. Now, I’m all about elastic waistbands and occasional showers. Lucky man. I have no idea why he loves me as much as he does…

But what’s up with Matthew? At 46, is he hitting the mid-life skids? Is it Corvette, chest hair, and gold medallion time? First of all, what self-respecting man can tolerate being called “Matty Cakes” by a drunk and ditzy red-headed youth counselor who passes out in her panties on a bed in someone else’s apartment? Claaaaassy. Matty Cakes, you sure know how to pick ’em. That mindless infidelity sets a great example for your son, little James Wilkie. Sad Matt. Very sad. And totally disrespectful to your wife.

Gavel slammin’ time: I sentence you to 50 upside-the-head whacks with a rolled up National Enquirer.

Maybe I should send Sarah a copy of my memoir, The Break-Up Diet. There’s a great recipe for her on page 134. Ingredients: 1 self-absorbed prick and…

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Get Your Power Back!

Today’s post is dedicated to my new favorite Power Ranger: Francisco. The European break-up guru for men.

(Remember… I said Thursdays would be all about ripping stuff from other other places if I couldn’t find someone to guest blog or interview?)

Well, since I committed to that lofty goal of a daily blogging schedule just yesterday, I didn’t have time to recruit anyone. And frankly, I think this just might be more fun anyway…

Now, back to my…um…guest. When I stumbled upon Francisco’s site, I found that he had created ebooks, mp3s, and multiple vidcasts of his program: “How to Get Your Power Back After She Breaks Up.” I wanted to give him a shout-out and mad props for being so enterprising! And what better way to do that than to blog about him?

I think the thing that really sold me on Francisco’s system was his accent—how perfect is that? Love advice from a guy who doesn’t want other men to be stuck in “leembo” after a relationship break-up. His advice is very sage: “You have battle plahn…Your life ezz under attack.”

What made me realize that he really is providing a valuable service to the broken-hearted men out there is this testimonial: “It was the slap in the face and kick to the balls that helped me see where I was.”

Ouch. I guess reality does more than bite. There’s nothing quite like a solid bitch-slap and a game of testicle hacky sack to get your emotions back on the right track.

I find it curious though. Does that mean when a man experiences a break-up, it hurts his face and his genitals? Hmmmm… Pride and penis pain. A veritable alliteration of romantic injury.

Of course, I would be remiss in my entertainment duties if I didn’t post this video…
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The only part of the whole thing that gives me serious pause is when Francisco says, “What you must do is trust me.”

My Daddy always told me never to trust a man who says: “Trust me.” And definitely not if he winks when he says it.

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Back in the Cyber Sex Swing of Things

Ok, so spank me with a wet USB cable. I’ve been AWOL for far too long.

My one loyal reader (a fellow writer) sent me an email in May and among the many things she said included this call to action: “I really enjoy your blog. You should update it more.”

So, here I am. Trying to be a good girl. Trying to do the right thing. Trying to be the blogger I have the potential to be.

It just takes discipline (of which I have very little, but desperately need to develop). Why else would it already be the end of July and I’m just getting around to putting up a new post?

Ya see, it’s like this, I’ve tried for years to keep a journal. And I guess I’m doing pretty well because I actually still have it. My journal is a rather interesting read if I do say so myself. All 6 pages of it. It starts in the ’90s with me bitching about some guy whose name I somehow forgot to mention. And then, ten years or so pass and I have the next entry in which I’m crowing about some new love who is surely “the one”—but for my lack of foresight, it doesn’t happen to be the man I’m married to right now. Yeah, well, Dionne Warwick wasn’t one of my psychic friends, so you never know how those amateur predictions will turn out.

But, now, I have a plan. And if I tell you about it, then I’m committed to following through, right? So, here’s the deal: just to keep it interesting, I’m going to endeavor to post daily (except weekends) on a variety of topics that will follow theme days. Yeah, I know, of course I have to make this as difficult as possible for myself—if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be me.

So, here’s the line up:
Mondays: Book Commentary/News Day where I blab about what’s going on with the business plan and marketing side of this insane publishing adventure on which I’ve embarked.
Tuesdays: Break-Up Survival Tips Day. Useful nuggets of information like how to make an ex-boyfriend voodoo doll and what brand of bologna leaves the best oil rings in the paint when you put it all over his car. (Extra psycho points if you spell “die asshole” using baloney letters.)
Wednesdays: Relationship Ponderings. <—an academic way of saying I’m going to talk about all the lame crap that goes on in relationships between men and women. (Think Carrie Bradshaw in Payless Shoes.)
Thursdays: Guest bloggers/Interviews, or I’ll just rip off random shit from someone else’s blog and post it on mine.
Fridays: My take on celebrity break-ups. Look out Perez Hilton and TMZ, I’m going to be the Dr. Phil of celebrity break-ups (minus the toilet seat cover hair ring around the head thing). Or if I get bored with celebrities (which is often the case), I’ll pull something from the news headlines. I can’t be the only one out there who can give Glenn Close a run for her bunny-boiling money.
Saturdays and Sundays: I’ll most likely be in a coma from the brain aneurysm I’ll have if I actually make it through an entire week where I blog consistently.

And can I just say that you have no idea how hard it was for me to post this in the middle of the week. My OCDself is tweakin’ because I feel like I should be posting this on a Monday. But, I actually got out of bed to do it at 2am because I knew if I went to sleep without posting my new and improved idea, I would get sidetracked in the morning and just put it off again.

What’s that shiny thing over there?

Oh yeah, and go buy my book, The Break-Up Diet: A Memoir. Give a copy to your mother. Your neighbor—the one who gave you a fruitcake brick for Christmas last year. Give one to your co-worker—the slutty one who’s sleeping with the boss and the FedEx guy—she’ll be able to identify with my story. Persuade your entire book group to read it and if you’re within 100 miles of The OC, I’ll visit for a Q&A. If you are out in BFE, I’ll do a telechat.

And if you don’t do any of the above, at least come back to the blog now and then, so I’m not just sitting here type/talking to myself.

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For Love or Money?

Can you find happily-ever-after if you sell out? It’s a moral dilemma. So, when I was approached with the Sugar Daddy offer—twice, I really wasn’t sure what to do.

I mean, how great would it be to have someone take care of me? No financial concerns. No worries. I could focus on my writing and maybe take a vacation. I could just see myself sitting on a beach in the Caribbean with my laptop, an umbrella drink, and a half-naked man servant fanning me with a palm leaf while back home a maid cleans my obscenely large house. Pinch me.

But somehow, I missed Gold Digging 101. I’ve always been the kind of girl who, in a room full of rich guys and one poor guy, falls in love with the poor guy every time. Maybe because the poor guy has the same hunger to succeed, to become something more, he believes in having a dream and chasing it like his life depends on it. I can relate to that.

I declined the two Sugar Daddy offers. I just couldn’t do it. I wanted it all: love and happiness. If I have that, the money will come.

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Hello, Ms. Robinson!

I’ve been a cougar since high school. As a senior, I dated Ricky McGuire, the cutest freshman on campus.

Not much has changed since then. There is just something about the baby-faced guys that I can’t resist. All I have to say is that it’s a good thing I never became a high school English teacher. Hello, 11 o’ clock news and an orange jumpsuit.

So, I was at work—doing the thong-clad ass, 8-inch platform stripper shoes, lapdance thing to make the rent. And then I saw him. Blond with blue eyes (my weaknesses) and he was tall—reeeeally tall. Six foot seven. Naturally, my post break-up brain is thinking—hmmm…built to scale? Hotel room. Horizontal rodeo.

As I was shamelessly flirting (it’s a tough job, but someone has to do it), this uber hot Florida State University football player asks me how old I am.

“I’m 35,” I say.

“Wow. You don’t look that old,” he says, then stammers, “Um…I mean, not like that’s old or anything.” Then he says, “Can you keep a secret?”

First of all, what kind of question is that? I’m a woman, a woman writer, a woman writer who blogs, so what do you think?

Then he pulls his driver’s license out of his wallet and hands it to me. I see, DOB: 1985.

He was BORN the year I graduated from high school! I tried to do the math on my fingers (not a math major). “That makes you…”

“Eighteen,” he says.

That’s when I heard the ratchet of the handcuffs, the gavel slamming down, felt the scarlet letter P stamped on my forehead, declaring me a pedophile and a menace to the virtue of extremely tall pubescent boys.

If anyone knows of a Cougar rehab, let me know.

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Which Object Does Not Belong?

There was a line of mini vans and SUVs in the parking lot, and I pulled up in my convertible Celica with the top down, music blasting, and my spiky-haired teen and his skateboard riding shotgun.

It was our first day at the homeschool group/park day/play date/Chinese water torture. Call it a social experiment. I wanted to see what it was all about. I think it took the other homeschool mothers exactly .03 of a second to determine that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. What teaching method was I using? Charlotte Mason? Waldorf? Montessori? Unschooling?

I’m not sure. What do you call it when you hand your kid a stack of books and threaten great bodily injury if he doesn’t study them? That’s my teaching method.

And, of course, once my son was off socializing with the other kids, I was the main attraction for the Show and Tell hour. The McCarthy Hearings—a stroll through the park. The Spanish Inquisition—a cake walk. Try being grilled by two picnic tables full of OC homeschool moms.

I really wanted to fit in, so I decided to tell them all about me—I’d been a single mom for 13 years and wasn’t sure of the whereabouts of my son’s father. I worked as a topless dancer and had recently learned to cook meth in the bathtub of my double-wide trailer. To supplement my income, I started hosting same-sex orgies every Sunday after attending services at Saddleback Church. I was still obsessed about being dumped by the man of my dreams. And I’d always wanted to be a writer.

Ok…so I didn’t really say that. Well, not all of it anyway. But it certainly would’ve made the day more interesting if I had.

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5 Hours in Purgatory

It feels like being suspended somewhere between heaven and hell when you see your ex for the first time after The Break-Up.

Think Twilight Zone meets Love Connection. Scary and pathetic all rolled into one train wreck of an episode.

It started with Kevin calling to say he was coming over to pick up his “stuff.”

So, what did I do?

A. Take one of his golf clubs and smash his “stuff” into tiny unidentifiable pieces? B. Begin loading jacketed hollow-point rounds into my Beretta? C. Brush my hair for the first time in a week? Put on a dab of understated makeup (including flavored lipgloss and waterproof mascara)? Change clothes five times trying to look good, but not look like I was trying too hard? Or D. All of the above?

In hindsight, I probably should have picked option D. But I was still busy harboring the ridiculous fantasy that once he saw me again, he would change his mind and decide not to leave me. So, I chose option C. (Translation = see definition of “pathetic” to follow.)

Of course, after our mutual spilling of tears, in the true General Hospital style of relationship melodrama, I insisted he tell me why I wasn’t “The One” and then I threw myself at him offering to let him bone-me-like-a-friend-with-benefits. <—Practical application of the word: Pathetic. So, what happened next? Did I end up on the kitchen counter with my ankles pinned behind my head and honey poured across my minuscule bosom, ala something out of 9 1/2 Weeks? Um…nooooo. He had to be the nice guy and decline that Willy Wonka Golden Ticket Bangin’ Opportunity.

But he did offer to pay for his half of the rent for 7 months until the lease expired…

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Pin the Eyebrow on the Old Lady

I don’t speak Spanish, but I think the translation for this picture is: These are your various facial expressions after BOTOX: happy, sad, excited, depressed, etc.

It’s funny in any language. And oh so true.

I admit, I tried Botox. I mean, let’s face it, it’s a competitive world out there in the dating scene. A girl’s got to do what she can to stay in the game. Once a woman nears the mid-thirties mark, the guys of the same age are trying to recapture their lost youth by trolling for cheerleaders at the local high school. Taunt flesh has a certain appeal for men who navigate through life with the divining rod of their wiener as a guide.

With that in mind, having a doctor inject a deadly bacterium into my face to paralyze it and smooth out the wrinkles sounded like a really great idea at the time. Heck, I wasn’t getting any younger, so why not get a little help, right?

So, I went to Dr. Something-berg-or-feld in Newport Beach—a nice Jewish dermatologist in the Plastic Capital of Southern California. Of course, I fit in so well in that posh waiting room, dressed in my sweats, flip flops, and ponytail.

I end up in the exam room and Dr. 92658 is mapping out his strategic attack on the linear results of my years of extreeemely animated facial expressions. Out comes the little bottle of Botox and the needle. Did I mention that I’m TERRIFIED of needles? Like hyperventilate, drop kick your nuts across the room, and fight for my life kind of terrified. Well, that day, I faced one of my greatest fears—being single for the rest of my natural life. It can do amazing things when you weigh those two fears together. Hmmm…a few pokes in the face with a sharp, pointy object, or many long, lonely years of wool sweaters, smelly cats, and Harlequin romance novels…

I chose the needle.

Can I just tell you, when you get Botox injected in between your eyebrows, it makes a squeaky sound like sticking a fork into a sauteed onion, and the sound echoes in your head. Major heebie jeebies. When it was all over, I had little red dots around the outside of my eyes, between my eyebrows, and across my forehead. I paid a couple hundred bucks to be a human pincushion and provide condo accommodations on my face for live bacteria. And I’d have to go back and do it all over again in 2-3 months when it wore off. What a bargain.

Ya see, I’m the kind of person who likes a good experiment—see how things turn out…record the progress…report my findings. So, here’s how it went: “Holy crap, my face is stuck!” That about sums it up. My eyebrows were stuck in the upright and locked position like an airline tray table. I looked like someone surprised the hell out of me. I already had a naturally high arch to my eyebrows, but after the Botox—the doctor may as well have stapled my eyebrows to the middle of my forehead. They didn’t move. Well, not really, but my facial muscles were still so strong that they were able to bend my eyebrows in the middle into a very Star Trekkian/Spock-like shape. Which was quite attractive, I assure you. So, after all that, I had two available expressions for 3 entire months: I’m surprised! and I’m a f***ing Vulcan.

FWIW, I recommend passing on the Botox.

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WWJD? = What Would Jung Do?

An appointment with a hypnotherapist = 1 hour of your life that you’ll never get back.

Paying a professional to listen to you rant about your ex-boyfriend = $150 an hour.

Eating 1 pint of ice cream + watching Ryan Gosling in The Notebook = Priceless.

Ok, yes, I tried the therapist route—once. It came complete with soothing flute music, scented candles, an overstuffed recliner, and guided meditation. It was the eco-friendly version of a break-up exorcism. And I think I would’ve fared better if I would’ve stayed home and borrowed Linda Blair’s cross.

Now, I’m not knocking the Twinkie defense psychobabble and the proliferation of “mood stabilizers” that are being dispensed like Prozac Pez from a neighborhood ice cream truck. I guess they have their place. And I only tried therapy-lite which doesn’t require a prescription. But I’m just saying…it didn’t work for me.

Consuming vast amounts of Smucker’s Hot Fudge topping directly out of the jar, and then lying face down, crying into the carpet until I was completely feathered with Antron fuzz was more my style.

And who’s to judge anyway? We do what works for us to come out the other side—happy and healthy, right?

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The Secret Number on the Cell Phone Bill

Ok, so I admit, I liked Nancy Drew mysteries when I was growing up. She was so smart. There wasn’t a clue that slipped by her unnoticed. She was tenacious and always figured out “whodunit” at the end.

Of course, when I found a woman’s phone number plastered all over my ex-boyfriend’s cell phone bill (from during the time when we were still together), it’s not hard to speculate “whodunher.”

Naturally, according to him, I was Sherlock Holmesing the phone bill and making something out of nothing. Umm…possibly. Possibly not. I guess I’ll never truly know.

I suppose I could’ve called her. I’m sure the conversation would have gone something like this: Hi, I’m Kevin’s completely devastated, psycho ex-girlfriend. Um…by any chance, did you have anything to do with him dumping me, you f***ing bitch?

Did I call her and say that? Mmm, no. I don’t think that conversation would have gone very well. And frankly, I don’t want to know. It will have to remain A Secret in The Old Attic because I’d rather not have that image haunting my mind.

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There’s No Place Like Home…

Kevin dumped me a week before Halloween.

Did I mention that Halloween is my favorite holiday? I mean, how can you go wrong with a holiday that revolves around dressing up in cute clothes and eating chocolate?

That Halloween I didn’t dress up. I spent the evening sitting on the carpet in flannel pjs watching The Wizard of Oz with my two dogs while my tweenage son pillaged the neighborhood with a plastic machine gun and a plaid pillowcase. I ate 17 mini Snickers and wished a house would fall on me.

In hindsight, I should have clicked my heels together and proclaimed, “Next!” Then donned a naughty nurse outfit. (Doesn’t every woman have one of those?) And I should have gone to a fabulous costume party with my friends. I should have found a handsome vampire and made out with him in the coat closet—just because I could.

But I didn’t.

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I Can’t Believe He Broke Up with Me…

I’m not sure there is anything worse than the loss of a great love.

The sun is setting…your arms are wrapped around the waist of your Prince Charming…you both gallop together on the back of a white horse toward happily-ever-after… Then WHAM! You get flipped off the back and end up on your ass in the dirt with a bruised spirit and and a broken fingernail. And yes, it sucks to get dumped.

But the true judge of a guy’s character is to look at HOW he breaks up with you. I got dumped over the phone. Okay…so maybe he’s not the confrontational type, but waking me up in the morning to break up with me over the phone from the place where he works—when we LIVED together! I’d say that’s a bit more than non-confrontational.

I suppose it could be worse… He could’ve text paged me, or sent me an email, or shoved a letter up the ass of a carrier pigeon…

I guess the result would be the same. I’d still be left sitting in the middle of my bed, surrounded by snow drifts of tear-soaked Kleenex, eating a jar of hot fudge topping for breakfast.

That’s how it all starts on page one of my memoir, “The Break-Up Diet.” Stay tuned for the rest of the story…

And I’m curious, tell me, dear readers, what tops YOUR list of the worst way you’ve ever been dumped?

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